You know those times when...
You want to fix something in your relationship and it keeps going wrong? The first step is taking a look at yourself.
We all want a picture-perfect relationship, and we’re all eager to throw ourselves into fix-it-mode when something isn't going quite right. Issues that occur in a relationship are uncomfortable. However, in the rush to make things better, it’s easy to make relationship mistakes that can unintentionally lead to disconnection, resentment, and withdrawal.
Every relationship comes across issues. No relationship is perfect. Two individuals in a relationship are going to be different, no matter how many things you have in common. And it's totally okay!
What is important is how you address those differences.
I'm not a huge fan of saying relationships are "work". And, effort needs to be put forth on anything that we want, including our relationships. Commitment to focusing on the relationship is as important as commitment to your partner.
You are responsible for your own self. You have the power to control what you are bringing to the relationship, how you are handling your emotions, and verbalizing what you need from your partner. Pay attention to your part of the relationship and be ready for when your partner wants to share with you.
So, what are some suggestions that can help you focus on your part?
- Self-care - what are you needing in a situation and how do you get it? Self-care takes a level of honesty. It includes understanding/controlling your emotions and verbalizing what you need from yourself or from your partner -- he/she is not a mind-reader, no matter how much you want them to be. You have your own power in any situation.
- Practice autonomy - Plan activities with friends or family. Or spend some time just with yourself. Staying connected to your partner means having a life outside of your relationship. Expecting them to spend all their extra time with you is unrealistic. Creating a life outside of your relationship means getting to share even more with your partner!
- Understand your part in a situation - No matter what the situation is, this means understanding your own emotions, intentions, and needs. Avoid blame or justification, and phrases such as "yes, but" or "you made me feel ...". It is important to be honest and stay on your own paper. Your partner can take care of themselves, and will come to you when they feel emotionally safe to share.
- Apologize if necessary - Is this a situation that is partly on your paper? Does it need to be cleaned up? Offer an apology to your partner, without expectations. This apology is for you, so that you know you have done everything in your power to make it right. If a situation is resolved, move forward and don't continue to dwell on whatever happened.
- Share feelings / Offer understanding to your partner - Offering understanding and compassion makes you aware of your partner, and his or her pain. Give each person space to communicate their point of view. Sharing feelings takes honesty and vulnerability. In order to be honest with each other, you will need to practice honesty with yourself. In order to feel vulnerable, create a safe space for each other by lowering defenses and intentionally listening. This will boost connection in your relationship.
- Listen / Validate - Most of the time when people are “complaining” about something, they are actually reaching out for connection. They are not asking you to solve the problem. They just want to share their feelings with you and talk about something. The underlying want of connection is feeling heard.
- Self-control - Controlling your own feelings in a situation, however they manifest (anxiety / anger / sadness, etc), is going to take strength on your part, and in turn brings down your defenses. If you catch yourself forming a rebuttal in your head as your partner is talking, you’re not really listening. You’re getting ready to defend yourself. Allow the necessary room for your partner to feel like they can share with you in a safe space by controlling what your feeling.
- Move forward from the situation - Once a situation is resolved, accept it as something that happened. Avoid further questions or worries to keep the situation happening. This is your fear talking. If you let the fear take over, you are trying to make yourself right. So I ask you this: would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?
- Look for the positives - When we are in uncomfortable situations, we sometimes see the negative sides of things. Maybe you ask yourself "Why did that happen?", "What did I do wrong?", "Am I with the right person?". This is, again, fear talking. Choose to look for the positives in your relationship and back them up with verbal gratitudes toward your partner. Choose to trust in your relationship.
Uncomfortable situations happen. That is the reality of relationships. We can look at these situations as "something is wrong". Or, we can look at these situations and choose to learn and grow from them.
So instead of flying into fix-it-mode and trying to make everything comfortable, take these opportunities to learn something more about yourself. Share this with your partner, strengthen your connection, and appreciate your learning experiences together.
Have questions about how to get started with this process or stuck in a situation? Schedule a complimentary intro session. Let's have a conversation!
I want the best for you and your relationship.
<3
Christine