‘Yeah, but….’ — this is a common rebuttal during a disagreement between two people. I am sure the majority of us have used this phrase in a conversation when we maybe didn’t feel heard or understood, or even felt judged by others (I know I am guilty of this…).
The ‘yeah, but’ of a conversation sounds condescending and defensive, and implies negative intent.
It has even become an official slang word — Noun: a ‘yeahbut’ person is a person that cannot and will not be happy or satisfied under any circumstance no matter what the outcome of any situation (according to UrbanDictionary).
So how can one small ‘yes but…’ derail a whole conversation, often creating anger, defensiveness and frustration in the process?
It is because when we say ‘yes, but’, we are really rejecting another’s idea or opinion. As a result, this short response becomes an instant signal that we are in disagreement with someone and serves to shut down that person’s suggestion, rather than exploring a way forward.
Has this happened in your relationship? Have you responded with a ‘yeah, but’ to your partner’s ideas or wants or needs? Have you been on the receiving end of a ‘yeah, but…’, feeling dejected and unheard?
This conversation style is a lose-lose for everyone involved. It is a form of defensiveness that seeks to invalidate your partner by providing a counterpoint. It does not sync up with the dynamics of a healthy communication style. And it slowly eats away at your relationship.
Does this example sound familiar?
Partner 1: “You forgot to bring home milk.”
Partner 2: “Yeah, but … you said you’d remind me.”
This pattern of conversation leaves everyone feeling hurt and disconnected.
Negative emotions are likely to run high during points of contention. It is important to avoid triggering unnecessary defensiveness in the other person. As soon as we start “YES, BUTTING” our way through a conversation, the other person tends to stop listening and think about their counter-argument instead of reflecting on your point.
So what if we experimented with using ‘yes, and….’?
Using ‘yes, and’ in a conversation usually sounds less blame-y or opposing.
‘Yes, and…’ implies empathy and connection. It is a signal to another that you are listening and finding understanding in what they are saying. It invites others to be open with you and share more often. It has a positive intent and improves the quality of communication.
If you want to try something different, the term, “yes, and…” creates significantly more collaborative environments. It helps others feel heard, valued and appreciated if their ideas are received with, “YES, AND let’s also think about why it didn’t work before …” (which builds on a conversation) instead of, “YES, BUT we tried that before and it didn’t work” (which shuts down a conversation).
It is definitely not easy changing our habits that we have defaulted to for however long. AND (not but), those who can learn how to navigate conflict effectively will see more positive results.