You and your partner seem to be in a fine place -- he did the dishes the way you like, she did your laundry for you, he listened to how your day went, she laughed at your jokes. You're connecting -- and things seem peachy!
And then, something shifts. A comment or action comes off the wrong way. You feel criticized and triggered by something that your partner said or did. You feel yourself getting upset. An argument begins. You both start to feel the situation escalate.
In order to feel like you are protecting yourself, your automated move becomes defensive-mode. Your strategy for this may be to get upset, your face may turn red, your voice may become louder, tears may start, you may decide to give your partner the silent treatment, because maybe you feel they deserve it. You push your partner away, because you feel hurt by them...
So what would happen to your defensive strategy if you could turn it all around? What if you were able to make the decision to take control of those emotions and reactions instead?
I know, maybe you're thinking, "but he/she is making me upset". In reality, our reactions are our responsibilities -- not our partner's. If we are able to calm ourselves, understand why we are upset, and verbally express those reasons to our partner (so much easier said than done), the situation can de-escalate and you both can come to a place of resolving of the issue.
In the moment, it might feel natural to give in to negative emotions and defend yourself when you feel hurt. But when learning to control how we engage in a situation, it is important to remember to respond, not react -- with objectivity over fueled emotions.
When you feel yourself start to get defensive, keep these concepts in your mind:
- Deep breaths - Take a few deep breaths to reset yourself. Emotions are fuel for a defensive fire. If we can keep ourselves more calm, we can focus on the facts of a situation, and also what needs to change.
- Distance - Walk away from the situation for a few minutes, if you are able. Some time apart can often bring more clarity.
- Deflate - Think about why you are upset and relay that to your partner in an objective (non-emotional) way, without complaints or judgment. Listen to their side of the story -- they have feelings as well.
- Decide - Request what you need in the situation and come to a resolution that works for both of you.
In cases of feeling defensive, you both have something to say. Choosing the right words and attitude can benefit how the situation turns out. Respect what your partner has to share and understand how you feel. Acknowledge your part in it and take responsibility for your reactions.
Not many people I know like getting defensive, but it happens. When we can understand what gets us to that point and then how we engage, we can then realize what we want/need to change and bring more harmony to our relationships. So let's break our old cycles that no longer serve us and find more joy!
<3
Christine
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