Help, advice, guidance, assistance -- whatever you want to call it, it's difficult to ask for. People are wired to be independent-minded, often wanting to fix things on their own. Asking for help often makes people feel uncomfortable because it requires surrendering control to another person. I used to feel defeated when I didn't know the answer to something on my own, or when I couldn't fix something by myself. I have felt things like rejection and shame and even anger about things I thought I "should" know and didn't. Thinking back those things didn't make sense. It was just my fears and control that took charge. And in reality, it simply meant I just had to keep searching for the answers I needed. When we notice we need help it is usually because we have taken on too much. Noticing this is actually our brain and body sending messages to each other of self-preservation, to keep up a healthy mental wellness (self-care!), and avoid things like burnout and overwhelm. So Why is Asking for Help Not Always Easy? Usually, we are afraid of what others will think of us. Fear often overrides reason. Some of the fears that we experience through this process can include things like rejection, vulnerability, feeling lesser than, feeling needy, and relinquishing control. Studies in neuroscience show the risk of emotional pain activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. So it makes sense that we try to avoid those situations when we think we can. Another reason we may not ask for help is because we can't put into words exactly what we need, so we wait for the other person to "rescue" us. If they don't get the hint, then we feel let down. Unsaid needs lead to unmet expectations which lead to disappointments. All around, not a good time... The need for help might also be rejected by the person we are asking. However, this is not about you -- it's about them. So try your best not to take rejection of help personally. Remember, it's not about you. Sometimes people have time constraints or do not have the exact resources you are needing. Whatever the reason is, don't let it discourage you from continuing to seek guidance and answers. A Practical Strategy to These Obstacles Reframe your request so it becomes a conversation, rather than a transaction. Explaining what you need help with, and why, creates a space for you to feel vulnerable and safe at the same time. And, it allows the other person to understand what you are needing and assess if they have the necessary resources to actually help you. Improving our verbal communication and asking for what we need leads to better results. Here are some steps to take to improve this process: - understand what you need - and have realistic expectations. Admitting you need help isn't a sign of weakness. It is a time for growth. Asking for help allows us to learn new things. - reach out - no one will know to help unless you ask. Understand that everyone has their own set of skills. If you are asking for guidance, you are acknowledging their expertise and showing you trust them to help you. People who show a willingness to share information are perceived as more trusting, warm and friendly. - communicate simply and clearly - create a safe space by not making the situation feel like an obligation. Helping isn't necessarily a favor; favors can be seen as obligations. - show appreciation, through words and/or actions - lean in to the vulnerability of expressing gratitude for the help you received. You can do this through words (expressing a verbal thank you) or through actions (following through by applying what you learned in a new situation). Finding answers to questions you have can sometimes be hard. I get it -- especially when maybe you don't know the exact questions to ask. Finding information on how to improve your relationships, for example, can often times be overwhelming and subjective. Counseling/coaching is a great place to find answers. When our family or friends aren't able to handle some situations that are stressful for us, seeking help from a neutral source is often a good option. Having the opportunity to vent a situation and explore options and solutions in an objective environment can be extremely helpful. Overall, we can remember that we don't have to do everything on our own. There are others around us that want to and that can help us to complete something we aren't one-hundred percent sure about. It's an opportunity that allows for the possibility of fresh ideas and a new perspective. This process helps you and makes the other person feel useful. We want to feel that the work we do and the help we give matters. Asking for help is completely normal and is a chance for human connection.
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Christine